So at the beginning of this year I dated a guy I thought was pretty awesome for a minute or two. He was wicked smart (smaht, if you prefer), cute as hell, and very sweet... to me... initially. I learned over time that he actually was sort of a miserable person with a bit of a mean streak, which I overlooked at first because a)it had not yet been directed at me and b)he clearly had refrained from spewing the full potency of his venom at others while we were in the "getting to know you" stage. It simply leaked out here and there and he was powerless to stop it. The conversation that finally illuminated the magical bulb above my noggin, though, was a simple one. We were on our way to Puerto Rico by way of CTA bus and el train to O'Hare. As we got off the Lawrence bus at the blue line el station, I said "Thank you" to the bus driver as I tend to do most of the time. I would not want that job and for the most part those guys and gals are good eggs. This exchange followed my "Thank you".
Jared: Why did you just thank that guy? He didn't do anything for you.
Me: Sure he did, was courteous and he got us here.
Jared: That's his job. That's what he gets paid for, you shouldn't thank people for doing their job.
Me: Why? It didn't cost me anything and he seemed like a nice guy. He's probably been driving that bus for hours. I said thank you and it made him smile. Why does that bunch your undies so much?
Jared: Because it doesn't make sense.
The exchange carried on but you get the gist. This dude was sincerely irked that I had said thank you to the bus driver on my way out the door. It was then that I realized not only that young Jared might have a bit of an anger issue, but that he just didn't "get" the concept of gratitude.
I will be the first to admit that I tend toward the negative. I am a realist to my core, I am pretty smart, I see things for what they are, and sometimes things just aren't good. In some respects that has served me well. A couple years ago I was on a bus in Peru on my way to the beginning of the Inca Trail where I would begin a three-day hike through the Andes Mountains to Macchu Picchu. It was a sunny day and off in the distance I saw a beautiful snow-capped mountain peak floating above the clouds. The guide explained that in a couple days we would be several thousand feet higher and standing directly opposite that peak. He went on to explain that due to the season, there was about a 50/50 chance we would be able to see it at that time, as rain and fog often obscured the view. So I got out my camera to snap a picture, just to make sure I got at least one shot of it, even if I might later see it at closer range. One of my travel companions remarked that she was not going to take a picture now, as she was thinking positively that it would be sunny when we got there and we would all get much better pictures then. I thought the approach a little silly and naive but could see she was very proud of her positivity and quite certain it would bring her the desired outcome so I closed my mouth and returned my attention to the scenery. I am the only person on that tour who got a picture of that mountain peak. By the time we got there, it was like looking into a vast expanse of nothing... rain and fog for miles. I was not happy to be right, as I really wanted to see that mountain peak up close... but I was grateful that I had the foresight to take the shot when I had it.
I say all that to say that I don't believe in thinking positively just for the sake of it when it really does not make sense. I'll leave that to the people who just aren't smart enough to see the realities of the world. But what I do believe is that while life provides us each with more than enough opportunities to growl at our circumstances, there also are always things to be grateful for, and life is exceptionally short so why not spend some time acknowledging those things? I've found that the more time I spend focusing on the things I'm grateful for, the more things I find that fit the bill and the less time I spend brooding over that which has gone awry.
In an effort to get better at this, essentially to force myself to take time each day to acknowledge something for which I am grateful, I have begun a photo journal. In the journal (click here to view), housed on flickr, I will post at least one photo each day representing something for which I would like to express my gratitude, with a blurb about why. My initial goal is to do this every day for 30 days, as part of a larger flickr group called 30 Days of Gratitude (which I found after I'd already decided to do this... it just seemed like a good fit and a way to keep me honest).
So wish me luck, and I encourage you to look around you and figure out what you're grateful for. You might be surprised at what you come up with if you give it some thought, I have been!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
On Happiness
I've been thinking a lot lately about this concept of happiness. What does it mean really, and how does one go about finding and keeping it?
There are two quotes I came across several years ago that pretty much sum up how I've viewed happiness for a very long time:
"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking all is lost" -Gustav Flaubert
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." -Ernest Hemingway
I consider myself to be quite an intelligent specimen... no mensa affiliate to be sure, but well above the mean. And yet I have found a significant amount of happiness in my life. That happiness, though, always has been tempered by a certain degree of skepticism about the world around me, a skepticism which has led me to keep seeking... In the name of this underlying uneasiness, I have sought out and gained an infinite amount of knowledge about myself, about culture, science, religion, spirituality... about the world. And so I had to ask myself if people who proclaim consistent happiness ever feel driven to seek in the way that I do... I decided the answer typically was no.
In my experience, people who appear and claim to be genuinely happy do not exhibit a great deal of intelligence or enlightenment. They may possess common sense and even some book smarts, but they typically are not very deep thinkers. Whether this is due to inability or personal choice, I couldn't say. And those who do exhibit proof of deep thought (and understanding) typically seem plagued by some brand of discontentment. I say discontentment because I don't believe unhappiness is always, or even usually, the precise opposite of happiness. Sometimes it is simply a sense of uneasiness. Discontentment.
But about a month ago I had an experienced that prompted me to revisit my thoughts on the nature of happiness. I experienced the break-up of a relationship I did not foresee ending anytime soon, if ever. Said relationship began online. This fine gentleman's profile declared, "People who are genuinely happy don't find much time to be upset about things. Laugh at life, laugh at yourself and you'll find you're luckier than most," implying that he was one of those genuinely happy people. His profile went on to say, "I... am happy to be in a really good place in life, overall..." I was intrigued by this, as I agree with the sentiments and had dated enough bitter pills to know I needed to change that pattern for my own well being. Unfortunately, over the course of several months our relationship revealed an intensely unhappy person who in reality did not have a strong ability to laugh at life but rather chose to brood over all that had not gone according to plan.
It happens, but I felt misled. What gave me pause was the fact that of all the things this individual could have chosen to say about himself in 4,000 characters or less, he chose to focus on the notion of his happiness. He could have said he was funny as hell, a passionate sports fan, eager teacher and learner, a good listener, an adventurous cook... and all of that would have been spot on, but he chose to play the happiness card. Why? Was he simply delusional about the nature of his own character? No, he was able to clearly articulate his discontentment to me on several occasions. Was he simply lying? Mmmm, not intentionally, I don't think. Was he documenting himself as he would like to be rather than as he was? Ding ding ding, we have a winner. And this is what we do in our society. We mask anything we believe others might perceive as signaling weakness or inferiority, and go overboard in portraying notions we don't feel or even understand. Such as "happiness". Whatever that is. And I believe that even many of those who legitimately believe they are happy, and who are loudest about it, don't have a true enough understanding of themselves to know if they really are happy as a way of being, or if they are simply responding to positive forces in their current environment.
Time and time again, I've seen people's lives change for the better, either due to better choices or due to chance (or a combination), and voila, their happiness is declared. I've done it myself. Of course, it stands to reason that when things are going well, you're happy, right? Eh. Not really, at least not in the greater sense of the word, which in my mind really is defined as an overriding sense of contentment that exists in the face of both positive and negative circumstances.... i.e. if the job and the boyfriend go away, you might be angry, worried, hurt, and resentful... but do you feel confident that life will still go on and can you still find joy in life unrelated to those external factors? That, by my definition, is happiness. Or, more accurately, contentment.
I came across an article citing a study which found that 50% of a person's happiness is influenced by genetics. Essentially, our genetic code predisposes us to certain personality traits, and some personality traits are more linked to happiness than others. Seems like common sense, that, but tell it to those who are running around telling people just to "decide" to be happy. Of course, the "glass half full" theory enters here... If 50% of our happiness is influenced by genetics, that means a full half is determined by other factors. So the way I look at it, even in a worst case scenario, in which my genetic code points entirely away from happiness (which seems unlikely), I've got a 50/50 shot at getting there on my own. I'll take those odds, even if I have to work a little harder at it than those who won the genetic happiness lottery.
Which leads me to another idea I encountered in my online quest for perspectives on the topic of happiness... Many assert that a certain degree of unhappiness in life is necessary in order to fully realize happiness. The concept is one of relativity, and it was stated best in an episode of Beavis and Butthead... "Sometimes things have to suck so you know that other things are cool." I agree with this wholeheartedly. Of course those who have led lives free of significant hardship or catastrophe deem themselves happy. As stated above, it's hard not to feel happy when things are going well for you. But are they really content and do they really have the ability to appreciate the small things and experience true joy? I'd submit not. I'd submit that in order to qualify for the label of "happy", you have to have lived in the trenches at some point. Of course, that doesn't mean you stay there. That's where good old fashioned healthy balance comes in.
The Lebanese poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran expressed this concept perhaps more eloquently than Beavis and Butthead:
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
So those are the incoherent thoughts I've had rattling around in my head. The result of all this thought is that there are a few actions I believe I need to take in my own life to find and maintain that balance between joy and sorrow. But all that is for another blog on another day because my happiness tomorrow is dependent on me getting sleep tonight....
There are two quotes I came across several years ago that pretty much sum up how I've viewed happiness for a very long time:
"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking all is lost" -Gustav Flaubert
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." -Ernest Hemingway
I consider myself to be quite an intelligent specimen... no mensa affiliate to be sure, but well above the mean. And yet I have found a significant amount of happiness in my life. That happiness, though, always has been tempered by a certain degree of skepticism about the world around me, a skepticism which has led me to keep seeking... In the name of this underlying uneasiness, I have sought out and gained an infinite amount of knowledge about myself, about culture, science, religion, spirituality... about the world. And so I had to ask myself if people who proclaim consistent happiness ever feel driven to seek in the way that I do... I decided the answer typically was no.
In my experience, people who appear and claim to be genuinely happy do not exhibit a great deal of intelligence or enlightenment. They may possess common sense and even some book smarts, but they typically are not very deep thinkers. Whether this is due to inability or personal choice, I couldn't say. And those who do exhibit proof of deep thought (and understanding) typically seem plagued by some brand of discontentment. I say discontentment because I don't believe unhappiness is always, or even usually, the precise opposite of happiness. Sometimes it is simply a sense of uneasiness. Discontentment.
But about a month ago I had an experienced that prompted me to revisit my thoughts on the nature of happiness. I experienced the break-up of a relationship I did not foresee ending anytime soon, if ever. Said relationship began online. This fine gentleman's profile declared, "People who are genuinely happy don't find much time to be upset about things. Laugh at life, laugh at yourself and you'll find you're luckier than most," implying that he was one of those genuinely happy people. His profile went on to say, "I... am happy to be in a really good place in life, overall..." I was intrigued by this, as I agree with the sentiments and had dated enough bitter pills to know I needed to change that pattern for my own well being. Unfortunately, over the course of several months our relationship revealed an intensely unhappy person who in reality did not have a strong ability to laugh at life but rather chose to brood over all that had not gone according to plan.
It happens, but I felt misled. What gave me pause was the fact that of all the things this individual could have chosen to say about himself in 4,000 characters or less, he chose to focus on the notion of his happiness. He could have said he was funny as hell, a passionate sports fan, eager teacher and learner, a good listener, an adventurous cook... and all of that would have been spot on, but he chose to play the happiness card. Why? Was he simply delusional about the nature of his own character? No, he was able to clearly articulate his discontentment to me on several occasions. Was he simply lying? Mmmm, not intentionally, I don't think. Was he documenting himself as he would like to be rather than as he was? Ding ding ding, we have a winner. And this is what we do in our society. We mask anything we believe others might perceive as signaling weakness or inferiority, and go overboard in portraying notions we don't feel or even understand. Such as "happiness". Whatever that is. And I believe that even many of those who legitimately believe they are happy, and who are loudest about it, don't have a true enough understanding of themselves to know if they really are happy as a way of being, or if they are simply responding to positive forces in their current environment.
Time and time again, I've seen people's lives change for the better, either due to better choices or due to chance (or a combination), and voila, their happiness is declared. I've done it myself. Of course, it stands to reason that when things are going well, you're happy, right? Eh. Not really, at least not in the greater sense of the word, which in my mind really is defined as an overriding sense of contentment that exists in the face of both positive and negative circumstances.... i.e. if the job and the boyfriend go away, you might be angry, worried, hurt, and resentful... but do you feel confident that life will still go on and can you still find joy in life unrelated to those external factors? That, by my definition, is happiness. Or, more accurately, contentment.
I came across an article citing a study which found that 50% of a person's happiness is influenced by genetics. Essentially, our genetic code predisposes us to certain personality traits, and some personality traits are more linked to happiness than others. Seems like common sense, that, but tell it to those who are running around telling people just to "decide" to be happy. Of course, the "glass half full" theory enters here... If 50% of our happiness is influenced by genetics, that means a full half is determined by other factors. So the way I look at it, even in a worst case scenario, in which my genetic code points entirely away from happiness (which seems unlikely), I've got a 50/50 shot at getting there on my own. I'll take those odds, even if I have to work a little harder at it than those who won the genetic happiness lottery.
Which leads me to another idea I encountered in my online quest for perspectives on the topic of happiness... Many assert that a certain degree of unhappiness in life is necessary in order to fully realize happiness. The concept is one of relativity, and it was stated best in an episode of Beavis and Butthead... "Sometimes things have to suck so you know that other things are cool." I agree with this wholeheartedly. Of course those who have led lives free of significant hardship or catastrophe deem themselves happy. As stated above, it's hard not to feel happy when things are going well for you. But are they really content and do they really have the ability to appreciate the small things and experience true joy? I'd submit not. I'd submit that in order to qualify for the label of "happy", you have to have lived in the trenches at some point. Of course, that doesn't mean you stay there. That's where good old fashioned healthy balance comes in.
The Lebanese poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran expressed this concept perhaps more eloquently than Beavis and Butthead:
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
So those are the incoherent thoughts I've had rattling around in my head. The result of all this thought is that there are a few actions I believe I need to take in my own life to find and maintain that balance between joy and sorrow. But all that is for another blog on another day because my happiness tomorrow is dependent on me getting sleep tonight....
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